Laugh!

So your not listening to one of our shows. You’ve got to be really bored. Hope this page helps!

 

Because more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code.) If you have reached the magical golden number of 50 or above you qualify and these are the codes for you.

> ATD: At The Doctor’s
> BFF: Best Friend Fell
> BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
> CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
> FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
> FYI: Found Your Insulin
>GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
> GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
> GHA: Got Heartburn Again
> HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
> IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
> LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
> LOL: Living On Lipitor
> OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
> ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up
> SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
> TTYL: Talk To You Louder–
> WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
> WTP: Where’s The Prunes?

Beware Sheep on Gaurd!

Sheep pnicbhre

 

 

Embedded image permalink

 

 

Sun Oven in the doghouse

 

VERY ACCURATE AND ADDICTIVE.

Check this one out … see how good you are with a Russian pistol. All text is in Russian.

Click on gun below. It’s really self-explanatory.

You have 3 shots in 30 seconds to hit the target and get your score. It’s addictive.

 

gun

 

Bird flies onstage to join the band.

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People —
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the  time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own  jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is  $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color..
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look..
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it
And to the men who will enjoy reading it.
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,Bubba and Wildman .
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

 A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Bar Women

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland .’

The other woman responds proudly, ‘Yes, I sure am!’

The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?’

The other woman answers, ‘I’m from Dublin , I am.’

The first one responds, ‘So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’

The other woman says, ‘A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.’

The first one says, ‘Faith, and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?’

The other woman answers, ‘Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course..’

The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?’

The other woman answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’

The first woman exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!’

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’

Michael asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’

Brian answers, ‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’

—————————————————————————————————————————-

Your laugh for the day!

Court in session

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

Now out in paperback!!

The book “Understanding Women” has finally arrived in book stores:

 

 

This is really weird.

Did you know that the words “race car” spelled backwards still spells “race car“? How weird is that?
That “eat” is the only word that, if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, spells its past tense, “ate“? How weird is that?
And if you rearrange the letters in “illegal immigrants,” and add just a few more letters, it spells:
“Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, violent, non-English-speaking…
And take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy… with you.

How weird is that?

 

The Pastor’s Ass

 

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor
not to enter the donkey in another race…
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid
of the donkey..
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent..
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted!
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the papers read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is ……
Being concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery It can even shorten your life..
…So be yourself and enjoy life to the fullest.
Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and
you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

 

 

More Useless Facts

Bizarre Fact #1:
Did you know…
1 out of 350,000 Americans get electrocuted in their life.

Bizarre Fact #2:
Did you know…
27% of female lottery winners hid their winning ticket in their bras.

Bizarre Fact #3:
Did you know…
3% of pet owners give Valentine’s gifts to their pets on Valentine’s Day.

Bizarre Fact #4:
Did you know…
31% of employees skip lunch entirely.

Bizarre Fact #5:
Did you know…
45% of Americans don’t know that the sun is a star.

Bizarre Fact #6:
Did you know…
500,000 kids in the US live in same sex households.

Bizarre Fact #7:
Did you know…
53% of women in America would dump their boyfriend if they did not get them anything for Valentine’s Day.

Bizarre Fact #8:
Did you know…
66% of home based businesses are owned by women.

Bizarre Fact #9:
Did you know…
66% of wedding cards are hand delivered by people.

Bizarre Fact #10:
Did you know…
70% of the poor people in the world are female.

As a rule, I don’t pass along these “add your name” lists that appear in emails,  BUT this one is important.

It has been circulating for MONTHS and has been sent to over 25 million
people.

We don’t want to lose any names on the list so just hit forward and send it
on.

Please keep it going!

To show your support for re-election of President Obama, please go to the
end of the list and add your name.   

  1.  Michelle Obama
  2.

 

 

 

Best Card Trick Ever

 

If you have been drinking you may not want to click on Kaleidoscope.

 

 Kaleidoscope

 

 

WOMAN’S POEM:

Before I lay me down to  sleep,

I pray for a man who’s not a creep,

One who’s handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he’s rich and self-employed,

And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.

Pull out my chair and hold my hand.

Massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh send a king to make me queen.

A man who loves to cook and clean.

I pray this man will love no other.

And relish visits with my mother.

MAN’S  POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast  nymphomaniac with

big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,

and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This

                                                                doesn’t rhyme and I don’t care.

 

Try These Out!

Press Here!

 

 

 

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Go Here! 

 

 

Useless Facts!

Did you know…A catfish has about 100,000 taste buds
Did you know…A barnacle has the largest penis of any other animal in relation to its size.
Did you know…A female ferret can die if she goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
Did you know…A slug has four noses.
Did you know…A species of earthworm, in Australia can grow up to fifteen feet in length.
Did you know…Adolf Hitler was Time’s Man of the Year for 1938.
Did you know…27% of female lottery winners hid their winning ticket in their bras
Did you know…Approximately 20% of Americans have a passport.
Did you know…Approximately one out of every 55 women from Canada give birth in their car on the way to the hospital or clinic.
Did you know…Each year, Americans throw away 25 trillion Styrofoam cups.
Did you know…The world’s largest coffee pot is located in Davidson, Saskatchewan. It measures 24 Feet(7.3 Meters) tall, is made of sheet metal and could hold 150,000 8 ounce cups of coffee.
Did you know…The longest Monopoly game ever played was 1,680 hours long, that’s 70 straight days!
Did you know…The longest Monopoly game in a bathtub was 99 hours long.
Did you know…The Bible is the number one shoplifted book in America.
Did you know…The first cheerleaders in the U.S. were men.

Grizzly Bear Warning!

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued this bulletin…
“Warning: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure: Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper. ”

Problem Solving Quotes!

1. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

2. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

5. Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn’t looking good either.

7. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

10. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

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