Laugh!

So your not listening to one of our shows. You’ve got to be really bored. Hope this page helps!

Imagine you are a singer and you accompany yourself on the piano. You have a small dog that is your constant companion and watches as you rehearse. Got the picture? Now, imagine that you must be away for a few hours and leave the dog alone at home. Here is what happened while you were away.

Your laugh for the day!

Court in session

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Now out in paperback!!

This is really weird.

Did you know that the words “race car” spelled backwards still spells “race car“? How weird is that?
That “eat” is the only word that, if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, spells its past tense, “ate“? How weird is that?
And if you rearrange the letters in “illegal immigrants,” and add just a few more letters, it spells:
“Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, violent, non-English-speaking…
And take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy… with you.

How weird is that?

The Pastor’s Ass

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor
not to enter the donkey in another race…
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid
of the donkey..
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent..
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted!
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the papers read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is ……
Being concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery It can even shorten your life..
…So be yourself and enjoy life to the fullest.
Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and
you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

More Useless Facts

Bizarre Fact #1:
Did you know…
1 out of 350,000 Americans get electrocuted in their life.

Bizarre Fact #2:
Did you know…
27% of female lottery winners hid their winning ticket in their bras.

Bizarre Fact #3:
Did you know…
3% of pet owners give Valentine’s gifts to their pets on Valentine’s Day.

Bizarre Fact #4:
Did you know…
31% of employees skip lunch entirely.

Bizarre Fact #5:
Did you know…
45% of Americans don’t know that the sun is a star.

Bizarre Fact #6:
Did you know…
500,000 kids in the US live in same sex households.

Bizarre Fact #7:
Did you know…
53% of women in America would dump their boyfriend if they did not get them anything for Valentine’s Day.

Bizarre Fact #8:
Did you know…
66% of home based businesses are owned by women.

Bizarre Fact #9:
Did you know…
66% of wedding cards are hand delivered by people.

Bizarre Fact #10:
Did you know…
70% of the poor people in the world are female.

As a rule, I don’t pass along these “add your name” lists that appear in emails,  BUT this one is important.

It has been circulating for MONTHS and has been sent to over 25 million
people.

We don’t want to lose any names on the list so just hit forward and send it
on.

Please keep it going!

To show your support for re-election of President Obama, please go to the
end of the list and add your name.   

  1.  Michelle Obama
  2.

Best Card Trick Ever

If you have been drinking you may not want to click on Kaleidoscope.

 Kaleidoscope

WOMAN’S POEM:

Try These Out!

Press Here!

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Go Here! 

Useless Facts!

Did you know…A catfish has about 100,000 taste buds
Did you know…A barnacle has the largest penis of any other animal in relation to its size.
Did you know…A female ferret can die if she goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
Did you know…A slug has four noses.
Did you know…A species of earthworm, in Australia can grow up to fifteen feet in length.
Did you know…Adolf Hitler was Time’s Man of the Year for 1938.
Did you know…27% of female lottery winners hid their winning ticket in their bras
Did you know…Approximately 20% of Americans have a passport.
Did you know…Approximately one out of every 55 women from Canada give birth in their car on the way to the hospital or clinic.
Did you know…Each year, Americans throw away 25 trillion Styrofoam cups.
Did you know…The world’s largest coffee pot is located in Davidson, Saskatchewan. It measures 24 Feet(7.3 Meters) tall, is made of sheet metal and could hold 150,000 8 ounce cups of coffee.
Did you know…The longest Monopoly game ever played was 1,680 hours long, that’s 70 straight days!
Did you know…The longest Monopoly game in a bathtub was 99 hours long.
Did you know…The Bible is the number one shoplifted book in America.
Did you know…The first cheerleaders in the U.S. were men.

Grizzly Bear Warning!

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued this bulletin…
“Warning: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure: Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper. ”

Problem Solving Quotes!

1. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

2. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

5. Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn’t looking good either.

7. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

10. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.